Ask the Experts Archive

This month's topic: Etiquette

Question: If I receive poor service, am I still required to tip?
Answer: It isn’t always easy to pinpoint whom to blame for the poor service. Since customers deal with the server for the majority of their dining experience, the tip often reflects their pleasure or displeasure. If service was not up to par, ask the server to correct the problem and then alert the manager. If the problem(s) are not promptly handled, leave a10 percent tip and a brief negative note on the comment card. Please keep in mind, that generally the tips in restaurants are pooled by all staff and although it is not acceptable to receive bad service, if there is a problem, please give the staff an opportunity to correct the problem.

Question: We have two young children and we don’t get the opportunity to go out often and we would like to go to a nice restaurant. Are we asking for too much?
Answer: No, you are not asking for too much! Please keep a few things to keep in mind for the dining enjoyment of your party as well as the other guests in the restaurant. Request a high chair and/or baby-seat accommodations for the children; ensure you have everything you may need for the children for duration of the trip away from home; if you need to calm a child, move to a quieter area in the lobby.

Question: What is the customary tip on a bottle of wine that costs $20? What about $120? Do I tip based on a percentage of the entire check or the percentage on the food portion and a flat amount on the bottle of wine?
Answer: The standard for tipping is 15 to 20 percent of the check, barring certain exceptions. Dinner with a $20 bottle of wine should get the same treatment as $120 bottle of wine. Would you tip on the price of an inexpensive vegetarian dish when enjoying a lobster feast? Now, if the bottle of wine happens to be $500 I suggest at least a 15 percent tip.

Question: Where should you put your knife and fork when you are pausing while eating? Where should you put the knife and fork when you have finished your meal?
- Michelle Kreger, Phoenix, AZ
Answer: When one pauses in the midst of eating, the fork should lie across the middle of the plate, the handle to the right, just over the edge of the plate. The knife is placed across the upper third of the plate, with the handle to the right and the point of the blade, as well as the handle, resting on the rim of the plate, as it is whenever it is not being used. The handles of the implements must not be resting on the table with the ends up on the plate. When one is finished eating, the fork and knife should be put across the middle of the plate in line with the edge of the table, handles to the right, with the ends inside the rim of the plate and the fork nearest to the edge of the table. The tines of the fork should be turned upward.

Question: If my plate arrives and I don't like my meal, what should I do? Should I ask the waiter to bring something else?
- David Brooks, Olympia, WA
Answer: When the meal is not to one’s liking, there is no point in suffering through it. One should ask for it to be replaced – work with the server to ensure one’s company is not adversely effected with the enjoyment of their meal – and the newly ordered item can be quickly prepared and brought out. Restaurants will usually not charge for a returned meal that a patron doesn’t like, even if it may be correctly prepared.

Question: Do you always have to order the same number of courses as your date? If he orders a salad, do I have to order one as well?
- Leigh Tellsus, Cambridge, MA
Answer: Ordering the same number of courses as your date is not a must. Order the items you’d like to have from the menu, e.g., if your date is having a Shrimp Cocktail, then a cup of the Chowder, followed by a Steak; and you are having a House Salad and the Crab Cake appetizer for your meal – advise your server as to when each item is to be served you. This way, the preparation and the service of your meal can be appropriately coordinated.

Question: Where did the cloth on the arm start? Why is it used?
- Mr Kapoor, NY
Answer: This practice began in the late medieval times when table napkins were draped over the diner’s left arm [or shoulder] to be used for wiping hands and mouth.

Question: When you are tipping on a dinner check do you recommend 15 percent to 20 percent on the food and then what amount do you tip on the wine or alcohol? And do you have to tip on tax?
- Lisa Turgeon-Williams, Arlington, VA
Answer: It is customary to tip 15 percent for good service and 20 percent for excellent service on the entire check [before tax]. In case a service charge is included, and the service is excellent, then add another 5 percent for the service team. When service is poor, a reduced tip of 10 percent may be appropriate, and in case of unacceptable service, address it with the maitre d’ or manager on duty first before stiffing the service team – it may be a house problem not the service team!

Question: I hope you can answer a question about dinner etiquette for family Christmas dinners held at home. When my sister is hosting the meal, she lets guests sit for up to 40 minutes in front of their messy plates after they have finished eating. On the other hand, even if I haven't finished eating, if a guest at my home has finished, I will take their plates to the kitchen and then continue my meal. Thinking that I was being helpful, I made the mistake of clearing some messy plates from guests at her house last Christmas. I still haven't heard the end of it and it is now April! What is the correct way? Should all guests have to sit in front of dirty dishes until the last person finishes? Or, should plates be removed from guests who have said they are finished? Thank you so much for answering this question.
- Stephanie Courtot, Aurora, Ontario
Answer: As a rule, the way a hostess’ table manners differ from anyone else’s is that she must never eat so quickly as to finish everything on her plate before every guest is finished. She must keep a very slow eater company even if it necessitates keeping some food on her plate and gradually eating it. In your case, it is the opposite situation – and as any good hostess, she must be considerate to her guests – possibly make adjustments to the service and her eating style for one such special occasion. After all, the onus is upon the hostess to ensure her guests have a memorable meal and good time!

Question: My friends and I were discussing this at dinner the other night... do you think it is appropriate for a man to ask a woman what she is having for dinner and then order for her? Shouldn't the woman order for herself?
- Cara Collins, Long Island, NY
Answer: It depends upon how formal the restaurant is, the dining occasion, and who is hosting the dinner. It is still quite acceptable for a man to ask a woman for what she would like for dinner, and order for her, before ordering his meal, as is for a woman to order her own meal. In a hosted dinner setting, the host(ess) sets the precedent and the tone.

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